Cause for Alarm Page 10

"Thank you," she murmured, dragging her gaze back to the other woman's. "I was afraid you'd be too busy to see me."

  Ellen smiled again. "Actually, your timing couldn't be better. I was going to call you this evening."

  "You were?" Julianna settled into a seat. "What about?"

  "I have some good news for you." Her smile widened. "Your expenses have been approved. Medical and living."

  "Oh, my God." Julianna brought a hand to her chest. "You're serious?"

  "Dead serious. Dr. Samuel has been notified. You need to call his office for an appointment. Before you leave, remind me and I'll give you one of his cards. As for your living expenses, you'll receive your first check at the beginning of next month and every month thereafter until the birth of your child."

  For a moment, Julianna simply stared at the woman, unable to believe it was true. No more waiting on ungrateful slobs. No more aching feet and back or going home at night reeking of fried food.

  Another sign.

  Tears stung her eyes. "Thank you, Ellen. Thank you so much. This is going to make things so much easier for me."

  "That's what we're here for. Now-" she folded her hands on the desk in front of her "-what can I do for you?"

  Julianna drew in a careful breath. Ellen, she was certain, would not believe in destiny. Or fate. She would not understand how Julianna and Richard were meant for each other. And, Julianna was certain, if she even suspected what Julianna was up to, she would toss her out of the program so fast her head would spin.

  She needed to play this just right.

  Julianna lowered her eyes for a moment, then returned them to Ellen's, hoping to appear hesitant and unsure of herself. "I've…I've come to a decision. About which couple I want to adopt my baby."

  "Have you?" Ellen leaned slightly forward, beaming at Julianna.

  "Yes, I…it wasn't easy. I sympathized with every couple. I almost feel bad that I can't…choose them all."

  "But one couple jumped out at you." Ellen smiled encouragingly. "One couple seemed perfect."

  Julianna returned her smile. "That's exactly right. How did you know?"

  "It always works that way. I think of it as part of the miracle of adoption." Again the woman beamed. "So, who have you chosen?"

  "Before I-" she took a deep breath "-before I tell you, I have a few questions. About how openness works."

  "Certainly." Ellen folded her hands on the desk in front of her and went on to explain Julianna's different options, from a closed adoption to a completely open one and the many choices in between. The former being no contact between her and the adoptive parents, the latter including regular postplacement visits with both the baby and its new family.

  When Ellen had finished, Julianna said nothing for several moments, pretending to take in all the woman had told her. "But…how will I know if the couple I choose will agree to the arrangement I want?"

  "Truthfully, most of the couples are quite flexible. After all, they're all anxious to be parents."

  "But what if the couple I choose feels differently?" Julianna caught her bottom lip between her teeth. "What if…I mean, I would hate to get my hopes up only to have them dashed."

  "I can understand that. Let me reassure you, however, that's never happened."

  "But still…" Julianna wrung her hands. "If I tell you who I chose…could you tell me what they've agreed to?" She met the other woman's eyes pleadingly.

  Ellen hesitated, but only a moment. "I guess so. Who's the lucky couple?"

  "Richard and Kate."

  "Richard and Kate," Ellen repeated, looking pleased. "You've made a wonderful choice, Julianna. They're a lovely couple and have so much to offer a child. Their folder is right here." She tapped the folder on top of the stack in front of her. "Just give me a moment and I'll check the degree of openness they selected."

  She opened the folder and flipped through a few pages, finally stopping on one. Julianna watched her, heart pounding, fingers itching to get her hands on that folder.

  "They're open to meeting you," Ellen murmured. "They've agreed to postplacement letters and pictures and quarterly visits for the first year." She met Julianna's eyes. "How does that sound?"

  "It sounds…good," Julianna murmured. "It gives me a lot of options." She looked down at her folded hands a moment, then back up at Ellen, her expression as earnest as she could make it. "I haven't completely decided what I want yet. There's so much to consider. I want to do the right thing. The best thing."

  Ellen nodded. "I appreciate that and so will Kate and Richard. Just remember, Julianna, you're already doing the right thing for your baby. He or she will have a wonderful life with the…with Kate and Richard."

  Julianna dropped her gaze to Ellen's desk and Kate and Richard's folder, scrambling for a way to get her hands on it. Suddenly, inspiration struck.

  Julianna got to her feet. "Thank you so much for your time and…your…your-" She brought a hand to her head. "I don't feel so well."

  Ellen jumped up. "What's wrong? You're not…is it labor?"

  "I don't know. I don't…think so. I feel-" Julianna fluttered her eyelids and swayed slightly. "I feel a little…a little…faint."

  "Oh, dear." The social worker rushed around the desk and took her arm. "Come, let me help you. There's a sofa in the waiting area. You can lay down there."

  Julianna shook her head. "No…really. I don't…just let me sit here. A glass of water or…juice. Could you… please?"

  "Of course." The other woman nodded and helped ease her back into the chair. "I'll be right back. Just call out if you need me."

  The minute Ellen cleared the door, Julianna launched to her feet. She grabbed the folder and flipped it open. "Ryan," she whispered, reading the information. "On 361 Lakeshore Drive. Mandeville."

  She repeated the information silently, committing it to memory, even as she shut the folder and laid it back on Ellen's desk, careful to return it to the exact spot she had found it.

  No sooner had she settled back in her chair, than the social worker rushed back into the office with a glass of orange juice. "Here you are."

  Ellen handed the glass to Julianna and hovered over her while she sipped the juice, making sure she drank the entire glass.

  "How do you feel?" she asked when the juice was gone.

  "Better." Julianna smiled weakly and handed the glass back. "Much better. Thank you."

  The woman seemed unconvinced. "Have you eaten? I could get you some more juice. I think Madeline has a stash of cookies around here someplace, I could get-"

  "I'm fine now. Really." When Ellen opened her mouth as if to argue, Julianna hurried to reassure her more. "I had a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk just before I left Buster's. Sometimes I just get a little dizzy."

  "It's called being pregnant." Ellen smiled, obviously relieved. "But you need to mention it to Dr. Samuel anyway."

  "I will." Julianna looked at the floor, thinking of the future, of her and Richard and how it would be between them. "To tell you the truth," she said, meeting Ellen's eyes once more, "I'm looking forward to not being pregnant anymore."

  "It won't be long now." Ellen laid a reassuring hand on Julianna's shoulder. "Kate and Richard, may I tell them the good news? They'll be thrilled. Over the moon, really."

  "Not yet, please. I want to live with my decision awhile." Julianna clasped her hands together. "And I need to decide what I want, in terms of openness. I need to decide what's going to feel right to me. Do you understand?"

  "Of course. And that's absolutely what we want you to do. Believe me, it will save a lot of heartache and confusion later."

  "Thank you again, Ellen. For everything." Julianna stood and slipped into her coat, anxious now to be on her way. Anxious to decide her next step, to decide what to do with the information she had learned today. "I should go."

  "Are you certain you feel well enough? Perhaps you should stay? Madeline will be back any moment and I'm sure-"

  Julianna cut her off. "I feel fin
e now. And I'd like to get home before dark."

  Ellen nodded and walked her to the door. There, she gave her a light hug. "Congratulations on your decision, Julianna. You've made a wonderful choice."

  "Yes, I have," she murmured. "A wonderful choice. And now everyone will have the thing they want most."

  "Julianna?" She met the woman's gaze. "May I ask, why did you choose Kate and Richard?"

  "Excuse me?"

  "Was there something special about them that firmed your decision? I'm sure they'd love to know."

  Julianna gazed at the woman a moment, then smiled. "I fell in love with them. If they ask, tell them that."

  14

  Julianna didn't waste any time. The next day, after gleefully telling Buster she quit, she drove across the Causeway to Mandeville.

  She hadn't known what to expect of the North Shore community, having never ventured over before, but she found it lovely. Small and charming, almost like a resort town. She decided right away that she liked it and would enjoy living there.

  Finding Lakeshore Drive proved to be a no-brainer. Finding Richard and Kate's home was only slightly more difficult, and only because she initially turned the wrong way on Lakeshore Drive.

  When Julianna located the address, she pulled up in front of the house and simply gazed at it, awed. It reminded her of a home she had once seen in Southern Living magazine, or one she might find in Architectural Digest. She wondered at its age, its history, if it had always been in Richard's family.

  She moved her gaze over the house and grounds, drinking in every detail. The sweeping double galleries with their floor-to-ceiling windows. The four white wicker rockers that graced each gallery, two on either end. The deep front yard dotted with massive live oak trees, their branches laced with Spanish moss. The swing that hung from the huge, twisted branch of the tree closest to the front gate.

  A sense of déja` vu, of rightness settled over her. She was meant to live here, in this community, this house. It called to her, just as Richard's words had.

  Smiling to herself, she rested her head against the seat back and closed her eyes. A series of images formed in her head. Of her on the swing, wearing something filmy and white, laughing back at Richard as he pushed her. Of her, on the lower gallery, entertaining friends and sipping something cool and frothy.

  Of her and Richard making love on the upper gallery in the dark, the sounds from the lake mingling with their sighs of pleasure.

  A knot of emotion formed in her throat. She loved him. Deeply. Passionately. In a way she had never loved before. Not even John. Especially not John.

  A laugh bubbled to her lips. She could imagine what others would think if she shared her thoughts with them. They would think her crazy, ridiculous. A silly girl with an even sillier crush. But they didn't know. They hadn't been in her head as she had read and reread his words, as those words, his thoughts, had mingled with hers; they hadn't been with her as she had lain night after night, gazing at the photographs of him, recognizing him not just with her eyes, but with her heart as well.

  They would be one. They were destined to be. Soon, he would see as she did, feel as she did. He would understand.

  And he would be grateful, so grateful, she had brought them together.

  The blare of a horn followed by a shouted greeting startled her out of her reverie. She realized how odd she must look, sitting in her car, staring at the Ryans' house. She glanced around her. On the lake side of the street was a waterfront park, complete with tables and benches, children's play equipment and farther down, a small gazebo.

  The park was busy. Couples walked hand in hand along the bulkhead; children played while their mothers watched, chatting with each other; teenagers huddled together, laughing and sharing cigarettes.

  No one would notice her there.

  Julianna restarted her Miata, drove up a half block to a public parking area, drew to a stop and climbed out. After locking her car, she walked back to the busy part of the park and chose a bench that afforded her a clear view of Richard's house.

  Minutes ticked past. The day began to fade, the sun with it. The park emptied; the air grew colder. Julianna clutched the collar of her coat, her hands and ears beginning to tingle from the cold.

  Still, the Ryans' remained dark. Julianna checked her watch. Nearly six now and except for the occasional jogger who passed, she was alone in the park.

  Julianna shifted on the hard bench, a kind of panic coming over her. What if they didn't come home? What if they had gone out to dinner or worse, were out of town? She had come so far, she had to see them. She had to see him.

  Her stomach began to hurt. She curled her arms around her middle, wishing she had brought along something to eat. Something warm to drink. She hadn't been thinking clearly; she hadn't been thinking of anything but finding Richard.

  Julianna glanced longingly toward her car. She could run up to the convenience store she had passed on her way here and get a sticky bun and a hot chocolate. It would take her ten, fifteen minutes, tops.

  And in that time she could miss them. Coming and going would draw attention to her. No. She forced away her hunger and the cold by closing her eyes and imagining Richard and Kate arriving home, imagining her first real glimpse of them.

  Her mind wandered. She thought of her mother and of John. She wondered if he had come looking for her, wondered what he would do when he learned that she had fallen in love with another man.

  Would he be jealous? Angry? She supposed so.

  She would be more worried if she wasn't so certain he wouldn't find her. As her mother and Clark had advised her, she hadn't written or called home; she hadn't used her credit cards, though many times she had longed to, and she had kept on the move, not stopping until far from the

  D.C. area.

  But what if he did find her?

  She shuddered, then shook her head, forcing away the fear. Richard would send him packing. He was a lawyer; he knew people who could catch and punish John. He would see to it that John never bothered her again.

  A light popped on in the Ryans' house. Julianna straightened, her heart leaping to her throat. A figure moved across the lit window, then another light glowed from behind sheer drapes.

  Kate, Julianna realized. She held her breath, hardly able to believe the other woman was only a few hundred feet away.

  As Julianna watched, Kate moved from room to room, flipping on lights as she went. Julianna imagined her touching this and that, checking the answering machine, sorting through the day's mail, glancing at the clock and wondering what time Richard would be home.

  Just as Julianna wondered. Just as Julianna waited- impatiently, heart thundering in her aching chest.

  They both loved the same man.

  The truth of that affected her like a shock to her system. She and Kate shared that; it connected them. Just as her unborn baby did. They were bound by something important, elemental and potent. She felt its pull, its power.

  In some ways, they were the same person.

  One of the upper gallery doors opened. Kate stepped out and crossed to the rail. Julianna strained to see her, though she could make out little but her silhouette.

  Julianna tilted her head. Kate was taller than she looked in her photographs. Slimmer. Julianna hugged herself, longing to have her own rail thin figure back. Even though she had only gained nine pounds since becoming pregnant, her body was immeasurably changed. She felt huge in comparison to Kate.

  She dropped a hand to her swollen belly, feeling the baby stir, unable to quell the quick kick of resentment she felt toward it. She squeezed her eyes shut, reminding herself that without the baby she wouldn't have found Richard. She wouldn't have the gift that would draw them all together.

  But she couldn't fool herself, either. To compete with Kate for Richard, she would have to be firm and lithe. She would have to be sexy.

  Kate walked to the driveway end of the gallery and peered over the side, though Julianna couldn't see at what. She
moved gracefully, Julianna thought studying the other woman, recalling Kate as she had been in the photos. Fluidly. Everything about Kate Ryan was graceful, classy.

  But not cold. No, Kate was warm. Approachable. Julianna had seen that warmth in her photos, her eyes and smile had radiated it. And she had read it in her words- ones about motherhood, love and trust, about life.

  Tears stung Julianna's eyes. Kate was a nice person. An emotional one, one who felt things keenly.

  Julianna was going to hurt her; what she planned would hurt her. Terribly. Julianna hated that, she did.

  She sucked in a ragged breath, forcing back her remorse, the pinch of guilt. It was for the best, she reminded herself. Kate would forget Richard, forget her hurt as she held her baby in her arms, as she watched it grow.

  A car pulled into the driveway, its headlights arcing light across the face of the house, bringing Kate briefly into clear view.

  Richard. Julianna stood. She brought a hand to her chest, to her runaway heart. It hurt to be so close to him, yet so far. She longed to go to him, longed to feel his arms around her, to hear his whispered greeting in her ear.

  What would he do if she approached him? Would he recognize her the way she had recognized him? As his soul mate? The one he was meant to love? To be with?

  She sank back to the bench, knowing he would not. He was a man of logic. Of reason and of commitment. Because of his commitment to Kate, he would deny he felt anything for Julianna.

  Until he could deny it no more.

  Her mother had taught her that no man was ever really married. She had taught her that deep down, in every man, there lurked a need that went unfulfilled. A secret longing so potent, that once realized, they would leave family, country or God to have it fulfilled.

  She would find Richard's secret longing. The universe, the benevolent gods, would lead her to it.

  A car door, his car door, slammed shut. From the upper gallery, Kate called out a greeting and waved. He looked up and called back to her. The sound of his voice floated on the evening air, reaching Julianna and wrapping around her like a lover's arms.

  He came around the front of the house, then stopped suddenly and turned toward the lake. Toward the park, the bench-toward her. She felt his gaze upon her as tangible, as real, as a caress.